uncanny, yes.

the season is turning; evidence is everywhere.  the leaves are changing colors, the wind is shaking them, cursing or daring them to fall, i don't know which, and our sky isn't as bright.  september, i love your many signatures.  

these past few days have been stressful, getting situated and mentally adjusted to the upcoming weeks:  sleep, school, work schedules.  it's eye adjustments made in the dark - basically.  mental preparation that you will see; focus and fixation with heavy doses of intent.  i've been running my usual routes, training hard.  yesterday i was dripping sweat.  victory.  hoodlebug trail, you are better than blueberry cheesecake custard?  i decided my next investment will be a bike.  bike rides to class and work would be fantastic!  it's a good six or seven miles from homer city to indiana; i say that's perfect.  today i'm tempted to go to maurices for a pair of skinnies, not because of stress, but because i need them.  girlfriend jackie will give me a great discount, so i'm still budgeting well.  and in one week, i'll have earned sports bra number one.  exercise has become one of my top priorities; hence, i'm building my work out wardrobe.  i have to earn, though, those neon shorts, ankle socks and tanks.  girlfriend's gotta sweat for those.  life is good; being goal oriented makes it so.

i'm still not registered for classes.  day of i will be meeting with the chairperson of the food and nutrition department.  she is not the kindest woman.  dr. mills, my psychology adviser says, if a person is beautiful before 30 years, but becomes ugly with time, it is the inside showing   with the growing.  the inside of you will always prevail whether you like it or not.  that is why, my friends, appearances are shallow.  your words and your behaviors apply makeup on your face for you more so than the makeup itself.  i actually bought some product today.  mineral makeup is not cheap, but being a health fanatic, prices sometimes do not matter.  but, getting back on track, 1) dr. mills is brilliant; i still say he is my adviser even though i'm no longer apart of the psychology department, and 2) dr. dahlheimer implies through her body language and words that my timing for scheduling is an inconvenience.  uh, no crap, it's just as inconvenient for me too, dear mrs.  

tonight is huge.  i will be baptized!  off with the old and on with the new.  thank you, jesus.  i can tell already this will be the most beautiful, overwhelming thing to ever happen to me.  before i decided i would be baptized, it honestly put a lump in my throat.  some kind of fear.  not an i'm-afraid-to-be-in-front-of-people kind of fear, but a god fear.  a fear as in, this is it, this needs to happen, i need to let go of my past and be made entirely new.  oh god, beautify my spirit and restore it.  grace.  it's church vocab, just like salvation and being "baptized in the spirit", but when you know its definition through experience, it is earth shaking, body trembling, eyes opening.  you think the universe wakes, but its your soul that wakes.  you see everything as it is, not just what it seems.  
certainty is striking and offers us all a sense of security, but quite honestly i find comfort in discomfort.  it gives god me; i'm more dependent on him.  he is responsible for me, he is the creator and has a plan for my life.  why fret.  instead, see every moment as an opportunity for him to provide and blow your mind.  when you fear god you fear nothing else, when you don't fear god you fear everything else.  don't allow people to be your god, people who are in authority.  they do not determine the outcome of your life.  

god, you are good.  and i would like custard with girlfriend charlotte.  this is my treat for seeing my ex today and not getting wrapped up in emotions.  now, off to the mall to buy my skinnies  (:  

multiple faces

i swear i am still a blogger.  life just has its multiple faces that strike us to either appease or ravage our souls.  hence, deceive us.  

i'll have you know, i've been making new decisions.  at first i was envious.  my graduation date was supposed to be this past may.  well, a transfer + a withdraw (silly thing to do) + a change of major your junior year = alyssa, you start from scratch.  basically.  i finally am able to register for classes at iup; initially i was planning to transfer to wccc, thinking this would get me my degree quicker.  no, i'm no longer do this.  1.  i would like an educational feast because i am eager to be best at what i do.  the greatest enemy of Best is Good.  it takes less effort to be/do good than it does to be/do best, which i will be best.  2.  outsiders do not matter.  starting from scratch is starting brand new.  there are new things to prove to myself that do not involve others.  3.  my mom has recently become my heroine.  she used to be my enemy; now she is VIP in my life.  in her late 40s she is going back to school, presenting projects and speeches in front of a classroom, being out of her element, but thriving.  love your mothers.  everybody.  

my goal:  change of major to the nutrition and dietetics track; become a registered dietitian and certified personal trainer soon after.  monday is a big day for me, and it cannot come quick enough.  i've never been so desperate to be in a classroom setting!  

by the way, i exchanged my purses for a gym bag.  girlfriend needs to get her butt to work.  figure your life out, and learn to know the multiple faces that deceive you.        

two things.

two things i noticed today.  1) i am my own best friend; i love to be alone and 2) i love people who break social norms.

two things i did today.  1) grocery shopped; saved 90 cents on gas and 2) bought new running shoes.

i leave for work in 30 minutes.  i'm on a double.  3pm = travel time to mahaffey for a birthday dinner.  thanks, dad.  to me birthdays are days on the calendar; to him it's a celebration.  i would like a mountain bike?  and more free starbucks for the rest of my life. 

god, you are good.  i love you, o lord, my strength. 

i'm still up.

so probably at 7 this evening, i thought it would be a great idea to go to bed early; my new goal is to be a morning person, not this night owl.  fail:  i'm still up.  around nine o'clock i was at my kitchen table eating pistachios contemplating life.  around ten o'clock, still on pinterest, checking out the latest fall fashion.  around eleven o'clock, being inspired and mentally preparing myself for a morning exercise.  other than blogspot, pinterest is probably my favorite.  it's filled with inspiration.  creating boards and reading articles, i love it. so now it's two in the morning.  i have a toothbrush in my mouth and a baking soda mask on my face.  this is me pampering myself.  i'm considering polishing my toes, but that can be tomorrow nights project?  life is good.  so is blogging + pandora.  good night.   

   

nature's barenakedness

it'd make my day to 1) be your favorite blogger and 2) for you and your peoples' people to choose healthy by creating an account with nutritional frontiers using referral code "Lyss".  regardless, the day is mine to do what i please with it, so i came to starbucks.  blogs and cups of coffee sounded perfect.  before venturing out to my small city, indiana, i changed my outfit about five times, no bedroom messes.  ocd does not allow clothes to pile on the floor.  you can say i've been fickle today, and i can explain.  changing outfits shows an amplitude of seasonal frustration.  and wanting a new city and scenery magnifies it all the more.  hence, i'm begging god to arrange a seasonal change for my birthday.

 

picture this:  new colors and nature's bare nakedness.  notorious winds and creation's most indecisive, unapologetic motions.  i want to wear scarves and bundle.  when i drive, i want to see leaves scatter and swirl across double yellow lines and gray pavement in my rearview mirror.  the scenery is like an installment plan diverting beauty in your brain.  anyway.  i want fall faster than you can say, "i do too, alyssa".              

last night it stormed; i loved it.  it was like earthquake weather.  i cracked open the window and sat at the kitchen table with a cup of tea.  i made sure to use my favorite mug for the special occassion.  i noticed every thunderstorm god is precise, so articulate.  i drove in it for a bit, just to be reminded of who he is.  thunderstorms i feel close.  the loudness and heaviness.  the flickers and feel of the rain's texture and weight, slippy silk and light.  god is real, people.  real and raw.  forget what everyone has been telling you about this thing called religion; there is no such thing.

today

1. today and tomorrow = there is no such thing as a work schedule
2. starbucks, you spoil me rotten
3. hoodle bug, hello
4. one pound of kale is $1.49; i call this a steal
5. sixty cents off gas; thank you, my martins bonus card
6. i'd like an early bedtime
7. murrysville & monroeville, i'm visiting you soon
8. career goals:  personal trainer and nutritionist, and a jukebox off the clock
9. i love you, jesus

elemental gradeur

some days we're back at square one with ourselves.  at a door holding some invitation that says you're invited, like you've been invited to your own existence.  my favorite thoughts regard being, yours and mine alike.  it's the core of our existence and holds entirety.  who we are and all we are.  the concept is elemental grandeur.  that's the beautiful thing about being at square one, step one.  you create a prerogative for yourself, your own sovereign government that won't collapse on you.  assimilation is killing you.  instead of incorporating everyone's everything into your life, incorporate everything into your life:  god.   

take me back to square one, i'll be a younger version of me every single time; souls never age, people.  find your soul and you'll experience your childness you'd rather cross off in your profession.  square one, step one, don't be so threatened.  rather, be humbled in your place.  we're not being pushed back and pushed down from our stand up position that took adroit maneuvers and measures to cover such ground.  we're simply transitioning on an invitational basis into existence.  appreciate the groundwork and know you exist because as silly as this sounds, we we often forget our existence. 
even though we touch, see, smell, hear and taste, we are obliviated.  we have been charmed, like some harry potter spell has been put over us to forget.  you would think.  i'm being serious though.  agree or disagree; voice it.  the majority of the time, i beg to cross you and step on your toes.  (perhaps that's repugnant, but you'd, one, hear your voice and two, learn what you live by.)  we're charmed by everything around us:  idealism, materialism, even sexism.  i'd include words like "foodism" and "technologism" too, but webster tells me there is no such thing while i say there is. 
anything that will describe to us who we are while complimenting our ego's idea of self, and anything that tends to our shortcomings and superficial successes, has us charmed.  and.  whatever has us charmed has become our idol.  we're obliviated when we refuse our square ones.  practically living life in someone else's body, experiencing someone else's everything for the sake of oblivion plus a promising dream. 
for the amount of time it will take you to read this next setence, let's be our most vulnerable:  (insert your name here) now in oblivion, the state of being completely forgotten or unknown to yourself.  don't comply or everything will become boss of you. 

fact:  you all need a soulmate.  i have this friend who is absolutely brilliant.  his name is alec.  alec means "defending men".  thinking of him as more than a friend quite honestly grosses me out, so when you hear me use "soulmate," hold your princess-fairytale definition, please and thank you. 
inititally when alec and i first said hey let's be friends (not really), i befriended myself.   of course, every conversation implied i'm right and you're wrong.  both sides.  honestly i never thought we would budge, like, have a conversation, not a continual argument.  we learned our own voice though, the very things that would drive us and put a fire in us.  crossing lines, being offensive and insensitive to the flaws we seen in each other was much obliged, i swear our purpose in each others lives.       
certainly we were both extremes of each other at first, but i think we were so combative because we have never heard ourselves so loud and clear.  we liked it and didn't want to shut up and listen.  like, ever.  things have changed now, duh.  we discuss strange philosophies and remind each other of who we are if ever one of us is in a state of oblivion. 
i'm telling you, everyone needs an alec or an alyssa in their lives, that person that will happily offend you with the intention of challenging you to build you.  they see your potential and are persistent on you meeting it.  they don't fear the square one that seems to be the death of you, they commend it.  know your soulmate; gender does not matter, so unlearn its definition.  i could be your soulmate for all you know.     

"people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
a true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to live with a soul mate forever? nah. too painful. soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
a  soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”  elizabeth gilbert couldn't have said it more perfectly.  

be okay with square one, dearest reader.  you're invited to your own celebration there.  understand, you exist.   

five things i need to do:
1. buy veggies
2. run the hoodle bug
3. call mom
4. ab'oclock at 10o'clock
5. juice    

sleep well tonight. 

mimicry mastery

i caught us all redhanded.  our best efforts and dedication show in the art of mimicry.  let's not be pleased with ourselves, people.  we have mastered detriment:  mimicry, a technique we use against ourselves in trying to build ourselves into something that, believe it or not, is smaller than ourselves.  we aren't getting any bigger in our attempts to obtain somebody else's quality.  we already have our own belongings inside that are the equivalent of absolute greatness.  success is conspicuous.  perhaps we've packed away our successes in suitcases, though, for our souls to sit and stare at because we lack knowing the structure of our spirits.      

i find "knowing" to be absolute.  one of the most beautiful things we can do.  that, and the process of unlearning the petty things we picked up through a characteristical barter and trade system.  we don't know what we don't know, but we also know what we know; we don't own what we don't have; we own what is ours.  my point:  to thine own self be true. 

i'm half way through finishing my cup of hot tea.  it's cold inside starbucks today.  the olympics has inspired me, so after this entry i'm going to play "trainer" with myself.  the human body is amazing.  you train it to be fearless and its performance is what most would deem impossibility.  so hello, i decided i am going to be my own trainer for the rest of my life.  we can't allow our abilities to lay dormant in us.  do it and you'll be miserable with the perks of mimicry mastery, which is nothing beneficial to you.  achieve the experience of splurging into your own success, it will lead you to a new introduction in your life and a conversational piece that starts with "hello" to your creator.           

being smith

my dad has always drilled it in our heads, "smiths never quit".  that and, "smiths never fail".  so what happened the day i failed my drivers test?  i wanted to quit driving, but instead, he made me stop at long john silvers, like i wanted to eat, and made me drive us back home, because i was a smith, built ford tough.  i was never so mad at my dad.  he obviously had no sympathy like my mom would have, and he wanted a conversation between his french fry bites.  no thanks, dad.  that was sixteen years old when door slamming was popular.  it was my only option, slamming doors, locking doors, and ignoring the parentals, all because i was never allowed to quit anything.  point of story is this:  i quit my job.  no more maurices.  i cleaned out my closet, and i'd be more than happy to talk to my dad about the decision over not-long john silvers or any type of french fry.  he would be proud, i've become more sensible.  i call it simplification.  it's, like, my new sophistication.

we all come so far in our attempts to figure out who we are through our experiences with our very own temperaments, those unusual personal attitudes we have and our peculiarities that have us disinclined to submit to any kind of rule.  i'll be finishing this chapter later; i have a starbucks date.                         

morning soundtrack

today's complaints:
1. no counterspace to make my juices this morning 
2. could have had the entire day off, but i picked up job number two, remember?  eleven o'clock to two o'clock.  that's three hours too many.  so to my dearest father, you are right the majority of the time. 
3. i have too many clothes.  too much jewelry.  too many shoes.   
4. i prefer thunderstorms today.

to do list:
1. finish this cup of coffee 
2. maurices
3. need gas and veggies 
4. load up car/unload car (:  no more lime green curtains
5. picnic/bike ride = rain checked
6. song writing
7. yoga
8. sleep well, me. 
  
so this morning i needed an attitude adjustment.  having a list of complaints, being salty with a temporary roommate, you should agree.  morning conversations are not my thing to begin with, and neither is both sides of a kitchen sink full of not-my-dishes. my personality is lacking in the morning enough as it is, so joking about no counterspace to make my juice in a way that says "but really, i'm serious" is not possible.  that really meddled with my morning routine.  understand, morning is my favorite time of the day and demands my full attention.  it's a soundtrack of goodness just being apart of its earliness because its only requirement is my quietness, then will it kindly nudge me into new hour boxes and time frames.  obviously this morning was different.  rather than kindly being nudged, i swear i was shoved into my day by this gust of my own exhaustion.  if this morning had a face, i would have given it a look that said, "we're not friends today".   

besides messes and OCD, i was thinking about what seemed odd and mismatched.  today i was supposed to dress my best, wear the cutest thing i had in my closet, because someone important is coming to maurices to check our progresses and our team.  i decided me and my wardrobe are at odds.  we're mismatched.  i love to dress up, everyone and their mom knows this.  but today i looked at my clothes and became repulsed.  maybe my style has changed.  i wear my hair up all the time now.  rarely wear anything extravagant.  what is the point?  there isn't one, which leads me to this:  my dad was right.  all those times i showed up to the house dressed up and accessorized, he asked me what i was doing to myself.  we had our fair share of arguments, my trying to prove he didn't know his daughter, him trying to prove i didn't know myself.  the things we do to be beautiful, we end up losing beautiful.  love your dads, and know that mine is better than yours. 

to conclude.  can i please quit maurices? one, three hours is too many today; two, we are not new york city, so let's stop pretending we are; three, i'd rather be in sweats today, not silk.  good day to you, reader.  the weatherman says thunderstorms. 

stages and suits.

as usual, i'm at starbucks.  i dressed up to come here, it's habitual.  instead of rain, we have sunny skies here in indiana.  beautiful outside.  i'm listening to music that sets the mood and brings me back to my place.  i've been enveloped by god.  life is good, so there is no need to complain about coffee headaches or sneaker blisters, i keep reminding myself.  just yesterday my dad brought my car out to do our vehicle exchange.  my car is like my perfect asylum.  i cry, think, praise jesus, yell and sing in that car, no eating allowed.  perhaps i should be fully ahead of what is behind me, but i'm not.  healing takes time, and without our consent, sometimes it brings us face to face with our greatest pains.  memories are sporadic, rarely do they assemble and accumulate themselves into a realistic nightmare.  but when they do, you know you are at stage one of healing, this outsider and silent audience to yourself, watching what you did, hearing what you said, and learning how you toiled in your own skin, hollering STOP STOP for the life of you.  literally. 
anyway, i was left with this conversation with god, four simple words that carried my heavy emotion and effort to be strong:  god, i need you.  regardless of who he was, in the best lighting he was something, so my next few words were:  god, i miss him.  then he reminded me he is my creator.  seems like a million miles away, but connects me in his way.  so i'm left with this and encircled by this idea of god.  there is no need to need or want anything other than god when i'm connected to god.  love is petty if he is not involved.  it's counterfeit without him.  point of story:  in my car i had this conversation with god.  it was a sad day.  i made it past stage one of healing, and now onto stage two:  living.  

it's fabulous.  i have the day off today, obviously.  and i made some heavy life changes recently.  one, i became a runner, sprinting stop signs and crossing traffic like i'm frogger. and two, i bought a juicer.  i'm begging my own abilities to formulate structure, beating my body in the process.  when you crave to be healthy, you start to crave the most plain, simple lifestyle.  my mouth no longer wants a ton of ingredients that create that complicated but delicious taste that i can't identify as anything but unhealthy. so for now, i'm drinking my nutrients and retraining my tastebuds.  perhaps i'm turning this blog into an infomercial, but my face is clear, my complexion is smoothing.  so allow me to make some suggestions.  throw away your proactive, throw out your neutrogena face wash, and buy yourself some natural ambi soap.  if you have to keep buying, duh it is not helping.  now suggestion number two, wash your face with ambi and baking soda after (mix with water, make it pasty); you won't be disappointed.  suggestion number three:  let's simplify our lives today?  our society is dependent on product, pleading for some type of result, whether it's weight loss or clearing acne, managing moods or reducing stress.  you know exactly what i am talking about; we're all guilty.  we're depending on things that create permanent problems when we think they're permanently going to bring resolve and resolution for us.  so do this, clean out your make up bags and medicine cabinets.  weed out your life, learn your stressers and weaknesses, resisting them instead of tending to them, and you'd be some kind of free.  kick your habits.  buy a juicer, ambi soap, and baking soda.  and continue to be my faithful reader.        

belief is bounty

we're defensive when we're wrong, and fierce when we think we're right.  it's this thing we call perspective.  it's interesting, our ideas of what is appropriate and inappropriate, what is beautiful and ugly, godly and ungodly, just and unjust, what is creative and if abstract is simply absurd.  and we're fierce about it, at each others throats for the sake of disagreeing.  make your beliefs attractive, rather than trying to deem them relevant and an anchor in everyone's lives, people.    
           

pure terminology

this is just my opinion, but i feel like everyone should be a blogger.  that, and a starbucks regular.  these past few days in indiana have been rain and thunder.  do i mind?  not at all.  when my body is tired and my soul feels slow, i find it glorious to be damp with raindrops imprinted on my clothes, my feet slipping out of my sandles from puddle stepping as i try to get from my car to the inside of a coffeeshop.  moments like this, being this exhausted, there is more of my soul for god to touch.  i couldn't care less of the cold, my own clumsiness that comes with barefeet, sandles, and puddles, and i certainly couldn't care less about being wet with discolored hair flattened to my scalp.  i'm this walking soul today.  and i found, appearances do not matter when your soul appears.  it's the norm though, to keep it buried under a body and pretty jewels, and the norm... it's the death of us. 

its pure terminology, the words life and death.  terminology.  they have to be.  it's something i've been contemplating.  people are here today, gone two days later, how can you cross it off your list of things to think about, especially when you see a body in a casket?  perhaps this is graphic, but hear me out and be comfortable being uncomfortable.  god is creator; god is alive.  you can't tell me when death do us part we are no more.  physically we are no more, okay we agree, but there has to be more unseen.  god is intangible.  we would become intangible, still alive, but alive being defined differently.  it's a wonder what happens behind the scenes.                          

touchableness ridiculousness

"lifestyle" is probably one of my favorite words.  it's our presentation, like the fashion of our souls.  lifestyle... our habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards, and economic level.  today, i'm drawn outside of myself, like there is something to represent here. so flip me inside out and upside down, i want you and your people's people to see my soul.  i'm being intentional; hello world.  see me in my prettiest form.  we're spiritual and our souls are not nearly exposed enough.  perhaps we're fearful of our own creativity when it's absolute and promising in our points of interest.  souls cultivate and thrive on creativity; do you not know the name of your creator?  we weren't made to eat out of the hand of the human race.  don't be so dependent on tangibility and its touchableness, a lack of faith hides your soul and postpones your reason to be apprehensive in your own declaration of you.  your lifestyle, your soul.  hello, philosophical me.  

as usual, i cannot thank jesus enough.  one, it is raining cats and dogs, and two, i'm wise.  i'm sitting at starbucks, my usual spot, and a professor from IUP overheard my conversation with my dad.  to think i'm one of those loud phone talkers, having a phone conversation in an echoing coffeehouse... i am annoyed and highly disappointed in my disregard for my fellow coffee drinkers.  i know exactly what they were thinking.  "girlfriend.  go outside and take the call."  "girl in indian looking shirt, get off your phone."  "loud mouth."  hence, i fail at being a starbucks regular today.  but this professor asked me about my wanting to move.  he lived in boston for 12 years and knows people he could connect me with.  perfect?  yes.  pretty sure i was almost scammed by this friendly couple and their luxurious suite.  thank you, dad, for those three conversations we had today.  give me two years and i'll be in boston, fingers crossed.  

accordingly, i have a new plan.  i cannot believe i am going to do this, but i've decided to move back to mahaffey in the land where rent does not exist.  parents are my favorite today.  love your parents, kids.  also, i'll be transferring to westmoreland in spring '13.  gosh, i love goal setting just like i do trend setting.  life couldn't be any better.  and for that reason, i'm going to say my goodbyes now to eat a chicken sandwich.  better than subway.  i encourage you all to build your life, not using someone else's blueprint, map, whatever.  it's time to be intentional about living, otherwise this society will eat you alive and you'll be dead in your skin, a mad soul, a frightened person.          
         

wake up, soul

i woke up around 11:30a today and found that it is great to be me.  sleepy eyes never seen so much beauty before.  everything silent had my attention.  little details caught my eye.  usually routines create oblivion, but today mine was waking.  as usual, my morning was quiet and structured.  i had a cucumber sandwich and a conversation with jesus, and i decided i would like to not share a place.  right now, i am sharing a place.  know that i would like different curtains that aren't lime green.  i would like closet space and a laundry room.  a pretty kitchen with counter space and a place for my paula deen pans to hang from the ceiling.  the living room i would want to have a comforting vibe.  for now, i'm dropping my keys on a tv tray and picking them up not soon after to be somewhere else.  God, provide a place.  please and thank you. 

you can be excited, i heard from the renters in massachusetts!  they sound like fabulous people, and it is affordable.  i've been spending hours these past two days at starbucks (how good they are to me, i love you all) job searching and sending out my resume.  i'm sending emails, waiting for emails, making phone calls, taking phone calls... i've never had so much energy or pursued something so fiercly.  almost 22, i am ready to build life and fulfill God purposes.  sure, it is possible to do this in indiana, but i'm ready to plunge into life elsewhere.

how great you are God.

last night i went grocery shopping at martin's.  two bags of groceries for 26 dollars.  who wins?  i win.  buy one get one free - flat bread.  buy one get one free - grape tomatoes.  cucumbers 66 cents each, what?  nature's promise chicken 2.50, pasta and sauce 5 dollars.  life is good; i got the bonus card.  thank you, jesus.  i wish you the best when you grocery shop, world.

           

massachusetts me

fact:  i'm writing in georgia font because i like the idea of me leaving state.  massachusetts?  believe it or not, i actually found a place in everett.  take me seriously, everybody.  description:  2 bedroom, luxurious, bright and spacious suite for rent!  i want this.  the thought of building life outside of pennsylvania sounds phenomenal.  besides working and starbucks' venti berry refreshers and tall unsweetened green teas, i've been entertaining the idea of new living arrangements, a new job description, an english bulldog and north shore community college.  i've never been so adult.  your parents would love me.  

today was one of those days i'd like to go "dear diary" on you.  one, when i drive i can barely hold a conversation with my passengers, or hear my music unless the volume is on 28.  that is loud.  of course i don't mind, but i like to hear myself harmonize with coldplay's lead singer chris martin.  the point is, however, my car drives loud on the inside?  strange.  two, plain and simple, i woke up in a bad mood.  why was i sleeping on my overnight shift?  don't worry about it; that's your opinion i was sleeping.  three, when i had my nails done after my breakup, i asked for a happy color.  bright pink.  bad decision, i should have stuck with my all time favorite manhattan sunset.  it's earthy and matches everything.  dang. 

i picked up my guitar today and made a vow to never keep it in my trunk, in my closet, at my parents or at your house.  i started songwriting again, which created the dream again to not only have a career, but to also be a performing artist.  instrumentalists, i need you.  nashville i need you?

i'm losing hair like crazy everytime i attempt to move it out of my face.  it is all over starbucks' floor (sorry liz!) and my pant legs.  gross.  honest time, it has not been washed for several days, and by "several" i mean too many days to tell.  it's such an inconvenience to wash in a small shower that has to be timed, 15 minutes tops.  thank God for girlfriend jackie tyger and her spare house key.  i'd definitely be a slob otherwise, let's be honest.  and there you have it, today's confessions.  now, back to adulthood.  

just like blogging, i've started running.  i try not to have spare time, i like to be busy and directional.  i fear being seated if my mind is unoccupied.  i've been saving the green, building life from what seems to be scratch.  it's pretty that way.  some of the best elements for successful building are unfamiliar, sometimes unsafe, and shapely, so much that experiences are more dynamic and colorful.  i could eat that sentence up for dinner it's so good. 

agree with me.  too many people live by hand-me-down values and beliefs.  poor souls.  life perception is skewed that way and independence is dependent.  and everything is about money.  talk about a stressful topic.  i work two jobs and am looking into transferring to a community college (north shore).  money doesn't grow on trees, okay mom and dad, but i'm sure life is more affordable than i am making it out to be.  soon enough i will be a home owner.  give me a handful of years, fine, but establishment is on its way, i promise you.

so you're concerned about how i am doing after my breakup.  maybe yes?  jon foreman couldn't have said it better:  heaven knows i'm trying to find a cure for the pain.  i am a strong woman, don't think i'm not.  and your pity is not something i'm needing.  i visited my mom today and she told me the church is holding a picnic today and i should come.  uh, no thank you, i'm still not ready for the "how are you," "what is new," "where is (insert name here)" conversation.  you will never know the weight of my shame; i am still recovering.  when i told my mom i would be too socially awkward and uncomfortable to go, she told me i am fine.  let me just say that is the worst thing to hear, someone telling you who you are and how you are.  welcome to my life.  it took all i had to keep my cool.  understand, i've been in so many yelling matches, been burnt by the heat of someone else's anger, that whether i or you like it or not, metaphorically my fists are clenched and i'm ready for a fight, a verbal war. 
i bit the inside of my lip like the entire drive to clymer then to indiana.  jackie was with me, and i swear she felt the heat.  i would have cried, but i refused because i live by this formular:  sad/angry emotions + people present = keep it to yourself, alyssa.  sadly, i learned the anger that was in the relationship had undoubtedly taken residence in my heart.  i could feel every single argument we've ever had swelling up in me.  i'm coming back to me though, scouts honor.  God makes beautiful things, my readers. 

okay, so this seems like such an abrupt end here, but i need to get to choich.   

it begins here.

i always wanted to be a blogger as if i had something to say, like my life needed to be read for your sake.  let's face it, we all have had experiences that held us captive and caved us into ourselves at one point, so i think it is necessary i talk to you.  fill up your coffee cup, even if it's blueberry pomegranate juice you're wanting (my favorite) and let's face each other.  we need freedom.  it can start in a blog.

let me begin here:  my name is alyssa smith and, my dear reader, i am going to call us friends.  you could say i'm at the beginning of my life.  the transition couldn't be anymore difficult.  give me about a month and my age is 22.  i just got out of an abusive relationship, and now understand the battle women have with themselves when they're in these relationships.  their comforter is their abuser.  mine was.  it's tragic.  you find your lover, you name them "soulmate".  because they seem too good to be true from the start, the speed and motion of your physical passion has you out of your element like you're in another woman's skin.  so you envy your own heart.  i give you three months tops and you'll despise yourself for your own momentum because the outcome will become this:  sweaty bodies pushing and shoving, panicked and raging, not bodies beading sweat naked and intimate under covers and ontop of covers.  a missing windshield wiper on a dodge caliber.  a torn up journal that was not his to read.  a clipboard stuck in a wall at a fitness center.  a screaming match from 9PM to 5:45AM.  and a monster inside of you.  the red flags were there, were they not?

i used to be beautiful.  my spirit that is.  july 8th, 2012, it died.  so recent, right?  i never felt so worthless and undeserving of love.  believing such a thing, i threw myself under a bus, returning to and running from this man i couldn't get away from because i wanted to stay.  i found comfort in the sick cycle of being loved and hated.  i learned something though.  what we believe in is our comfort no matter what it is, good or bad, because it affirms us.  we're vulnerable to this concept.  whatever will solidify our beliefs about ourselves will create itself a sacred god to save us.  in my case, this man was my god, and destruction was my construction.

i'm praying for peace and strength.  restoration is waht i need.  after 5 months of passion, fusion, fighting and beating the air, pushing and shoving, sex and wanting, i've lost the desire to love a man or trust i'll be loved.  separating from him, it was not a clean cut. i always thought after a break up, physical or not, you moved on with life, sad at first but okay in september.  no.  i thought he was my soulmate, companion, best friend, lover, husband, this gift from God, every need met.  our conversations and our kisses.  we were deep, this intertwined and interwoven couple.  so much of me was never missing, and though this man was separated from me and gone, so much of him was left.  more of him than me.  i envy the woman i was before i was ruined.  thank God for grace.

i'll end my first blog with this:  watch the world change color when all the sand hits the bottom of your square shaped hour glass.  be creative today.