the season is turning; evidence is everywhere. the leaves are changing colors, the wind is shaking them, cursing or daring them to fall, i don't know which, and our sky isn't as bright. september, i love your many signatures.
these past few days have been stressful, getting situated and mentally adjusted to the upcoming weeks: sleep, school, work schedules. it's eye adjustments made in the dark - basically. mental preparation that you will see; focus and fixation with heavy doses of intent. i've been running my usual routes, training hard. yesterday i was dripping sweat. victory. hoodlebug trail, you are better than blueberry cheesecake custard? i decided my next investment will be a bike. bike rides to class and work would be fantastic! it's a good six or seven miles from homer city to indiana; i say that's perfect. today i'm tempted to go to maurices for a pair of skinnies, not because of stress, but because i need them. girlfriend jackie will give me a great discount, so i'm still budgeting well. and in one week, i'll have earned sports bra number one. exercise has become one of my top priorities; hence, i'm building my work out wardrobe. i have to earn, though, those neon shorts, ankle socks and tanks. girlfriend's gotta sweat for those. life is good; being goal oriented makes it so.
i'm still not registered for classes. day of i will be meeting with the chairperson of the food and nutrition department. she is not the kindest woman. dr. mills, my psychology adviser says, if a person is beautiful before 30 years, but becomes ugly with time, it is the inside showing with the growing. the inside of you will always prevail whether you like it or not. that is why, my friends, appearances are shallow. your words and your behaviors apply makeup on your face for you more so than the makeup itself. i actually bought some product today. mineral makeup is not cheap, but being a health fanatic, prices sometimes do not matter. but, getting back on track, 1) dr. mills is brilliant; i still say he is my adviser even though i'm no longer apart of the psychology department, and 2) dr. dahlheimer implies through her body language and words that my timing for scheduling is an inconvenience. uh, no crap, it's just as inconvenient for me too, dear mrs.
tonight is huge. i will be baptized! off with the old and on with the new. thank you, jesus. i can tell already this will be the most beautiful, overwhelming thing to ever happen to me. before i decided i would be baptized, it honestly put a lump in my throat. some kind of fear. not an i'm-afraid-to-be-in-front-of-people kind of fear, but a god fear. a fear as in, this is it, this needs to happen, i need to let go of my past and be made entirely new. oh god, beautify my spirit and restore it. grace. it's church vocab, just like salvation and being "baptized in the spirit", but when you know its definition through experience, it is earth shaking, body trembling, eyes opening. you think the universe wakes, but its your soul that wakes. you see everything as it is, not just what it seems.
certainty is striking and offers us all a sense of security, but quite honestly i find comfort in discomfort. it gives god me; i'm more dependent on him. he is responsible for me, he is the creator and has a plan for my life. why fret. instead, see every moment as an opportunity for him to provide and blow your mind. when you fear god you fear nothing else, when you don't fear god you fear everything else. don't allow people to be your god, people who are in authority. they do not determine the outcome of your life.
god, you are good. and i would like custard with girlfriend charlotte. this is my treat for seeing my ex today and not getting wrapped up in emotions. now, off to the mall to buy my skinnies (:
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