as usual, i'm at starbucks. i dressed up to come here, it's habitual. instead of rain, we have sunny skies here in indiana. beautiful outside. i'm listening to music that sets the mood and brings me back to my place. i've been enveloped by god. life is good, so there is no need to complain about coffee headaches or sneaker blisters, i keep reminding myself. just yesterday my dad brought my car out to do our vehicle exchange. my car is like my perfect asylum. i cry, think, praise jesus, yell and sing in that car, no eating allowed. perhaps i should be fully ahead of what is behind me, but i'm not. healing takes time, and without our consent, sometimes it brings us face to face with our greatest pains. memories are sporadic, rarely do they assemble and accumulate themselves into a realistic nightmare. but when they do, you know you are at stage one of healing, this outsider and silent audience to yourself, watching what you did, hearing what you said, and learning how you toiled in your own skin, hollering STOP STOP for the life of you. literally.
anyway, i was left with this conversation with god, four simple words that carried my heavy emotion and effort to be strong: god, i need you. regardless of who he was, in the best lighting he was something, so my next few words were: god, i miss him. then he reminded me he is my creator. seems like a million miles away, but connects me in his way. so i'm left with this and encircled by this idea of god. there is no need to need or want anything other than god when i'm connected to god. love is petty if he is not involved. it's counterfeit without him. point of story: in my car i had this conversation with god. it was a sad day. i made it past stage one of healing, and now onto stage two: living.
it's fabulous. i have the day off today, obviously. and i made some heavy life changes recently. one, i became a runner, sprinting stop signs and crossing traffic like i'm frogger. and two, i bought a juicer. i'm begging my own abilities to formulate structure, beating my body in the process. when you crave to be healthy, you start to crave the most plain, simple lifestyle. my mouth no longer wants a ton of ingredients that create that complicated but delicious taste that i can't identify as anything but unhealthy. so for now, i'm drinking my nutrients and retraining my tastebuds. perhaps i'm turning this blog into an infomercial, but my face is clear, my complexion is smoothing. so allow me to make some suggestions. throw away your proactive, throw out your neutrogena face wash, and buy yourself some natural ambi soap. if you have to keep buying, duh it is not helping. now suggestion number two, wash your face with ambi and baking soda after (mix with water, make it pasty); you won't be disappointed. suggestion number three: let's simplify our lives today? our society is dependent on product, pleading for some type of result, whether it's weight loss or clearing acne, managing moods or reducing stress. you know exactly what i am talking about; we're all guilty. we're depending on things that create permanent problems when we think they're permanently going to bring resolve and resolution for us. so do this, clean out your make up bags and medicine cabinets. weed out your life, learn your stressers and weaknesses, resisting them instead of tending to them, and you'd be some kind of free. kick your habits. buy a juicer, ambi soap, and baking soda. and continue to be my faithful reader.
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