uncanny, yes.

the season is turning; evidence is everywhere.  the leaves are changing colors, the wind is shaking them, cursing or daring them to fall, i don't know which, and our sky isn't as bright.  september, i love your many signatures.  

these past few days have been stressful, getting situated and mentally adjusted to the upcoming weeks:  sleep, school, work schedules.  it's eye adjustments made in the dark - basically.  mental preparation that you will see; focus and fixation with heavy doses of intent.  i've been running my usual routes, training hard.  yesterday i was dripping sweat.  victory.  hoodlebug trail, you are better than blueberry cheesecake custard?  i decided my next investment will be a bike.  bike rides to class and work would be fantastic!  it's a good six or seven miles from homer city to indiana; i say that's perfect.  today i'm tempted to go to maurices for a pair of skinnies, not because of stress, but because i need them.  girlfriend jackie will give me a great discount, so i'm still budgeting well.  and in one week, i'll have earned sports bra number one.  exercise has become one of my top priorities; hence, i'm building my work out wardrobe.  i have to earn, though, those neon shorts, ankle socks and tanks.  girlfriend's gotta sweat for those.  life is good; being goal oriented makes it so.

i'm still not registered for classes.  day of i will be meeting with the chairperson of the food and nutrition department.  she is not the kindest woman.  dr. mills, my psychology adviser says, if a person is beautiful before 30 years, but becomes ugly with time, it is the inside showing   with the growing.  the inside of you will always prevail whether you like it or not.  that is why, my friends, appearances are shallow.  your words and your behaviors apply makeup on your face for you more so than the makeup itself.  i actually bought some product today.  mineral makeup is not cheap, but being a health fanatic, prices sometimes do not matter.  but, getting back on track, 1) dr. mills is brilliant; i still say he is my adviser even though i'm no longer apart of the psychology department, and 2) dr. dahlheimer implies through her body language and words that my timing for scheduling is an inconvenience.  uh, no crap, it's just as inconvenient for me too, dear mrs.  

tonight is huge.  i will be baptized!  off with the old and on with the new.  thank you, jesus.  i can tell already this will be the most beautiful, overwhelming thing to ever happen to me.  before i decided i would be baptized, it honestly put a lump in my throat.  some kind of fear.  not an i'm-afraid-to-be-in-front-of-people kind of fear, but a god fear.  a fear as in, this is it, this needs to happen, i need to let go of my past and be made entirely new.  oh god, beautify my spirit and restore it.  grace.  it's church vocab, just like salvation and being "baptized in the spirit", but when you know its definition through experience, it is earth shaking, body trembling, eyes opening.  you think the universe wakes, but its your soul that wakes.  you see everything as it is, not just what it seems.  
certainty is striking and offers us all a sense of security, but quite honestly i find comfort in discomfort.  it gives god me; i'm more dependent on him.  he is responsible for me, he is the creator and has a plan for my life.  why fret.  instead, see every moment as an opportunity for him to provide and blow your mind.  when you fear god you fear nothing else, when you don't fear god you fear everything else.  don't allow people to be your god, people who are in authority.  they do not determine the outcome of your life.  

god, you are good.  and i would like custard with girlfriend charlotte.  this is my treat for seeing my ex today and not getting wrapped up in emotions.  now, off to the mall to buy my skinnies  (:  

multiple faces

i swear i am still a blogger.  life just has its multiple faces that strike us to either appease or ravage our souls.  hence, deceive us.  

i'll have you know, i've been making new decisions.  at first i was envious.  my graduation date was supposed to be this past may.  well, a transfer + a withdraw (silly thing to do) + a change of major your junior year = alyssa, you start from scratch.  basically.  i finally am able to register for classes at iup; initially i was planning to transfer to wccc, thinking this would get me my degree quicker.  no, i'm no longer do this.  1.  i would like an educational feast because i am eager to be best at what i do.  the greatest enemy of Best is Good.  it takes less effort to be/do good than it does to be/do best, which i will be best.  2.  outsiders do not matter.  starting from scratch is starting brand new.  there are new things to prove to myself that do not involve others.  3.  my mom has recently become my heroine.  she used to be my enemy; now she is VIP in my life.  in her late 40s she is going back to school, presenting projects and speeches in front of a classroom, being out of her element, but thriving.  love your mothers.  everybody.  

my goal:  change of major to the nutrition and dietetics track; become a registered dietitian and certified personal trainer soon after.  monday is a big day for me, and it cannot come quick enough.  i've never been so desperate to be in a classroom setting!  

by the way, i exchanged my purses for a gym bag.  girlfriend needs to get her butt to work.  figure your life out, and learn to know the multiple faces that deceive you.        

two things.

two things i noticed today.  1) i am my own best friend; i love to be alone and 2) i love people who break social norms.

two things i did today.  1) grocery shopped; saved 90 cents on gas and 2) bought new running shoes.

i leave for work in 30 minutes.  i'm on a double.  3pm = travel time to mahaffey for a birthday dinner.  thanks, dad.  to me birthdays are days on the calendar; to him it's a celebration.  i would like a mountain bike?  and more free starbucks for the rest of my life. 

god, you are good.  i love you, o lord, my strength. 

i'm still up.

so probably at 7 this evening, i thought it would be a great idea to go to bed early; my new goal is to be a morning person, not this night owl.  fail:  i'm still up.  around nine o'clock i was at my kitchen table eating pistachios contemplating life.  around ten o'clock, still on pinterest, checking out the latest fall fashion.  around eleven o'clock, being inspired and mentally preparing myself for a morning exercise.  other than blogspot, pinterest is probably my favorite.  it's filled with inspiration.  creating boards and reading articles, i love it. so now it's two in the morning.  i have a toothbrush in my mouth and a baking soda mask on my face.  this is me pampering myself.  i'm considering polishing my toes, but that can be tomorrow nights project?  life is good.  so is blogging + pandora.  good night.   

   

nature's barenakedness

it'd make my day to 1) be your favorite blogger and 2) for you and your peoples' people to choose healthy by creating an account with nutritional frontiers using referral code "Lyss".  regardless, the day is mine to do what i please with it, so i came to starbucks.  blogs and cups of coffee sounded perfect.  before venturing out to my small city, indiana, i changed my outfit about five times, no bedroom messes.  ocd does not allow clothes to pile on the floor.  you can say i've been fickle today, and i can explain.  changing outfits shows an amplitude of seasonal frustration.  and wanting a new city and scenery magnifies it all the more.  hence, i'm begging god to arrange a seasonal change for my birthday.

 

picture this:  new colors and nature's bare nakedness.  notorious winds and creation's most indecisive, unapologetic motions.  i want to wear scarves and bundle.  when i drive, i want to see leaves scatter and swirl across double yellow lines and gray pavement in my rearview mirror.  the scenery is like an installment plan diverting beauty in your brain.  anyway.  i want fall faster than you can say, "i do too, alyssa".              

last night it stormed; i loved it.  it was like earthquake weather.  i cracked open the window and sat at the kitchen table with a cup of tea.  i made sure to use my favorite mug for the special occassion.  i noticed every thunderstorm god is precise, so articulate.  i drove in it for a bit, just to be reminded of who he is.  thunderstorms i feel close.  the loudness and heaviness.  the flickers and feel of the rain's texture and weight, slippy silk and light.  god is real, people.  real and raw.  forget what everyone has been telling you about this thing called religion; there is no such thing.

today

1. today and tomorrow = there is no such thing as a work schedule
2. starbucks, you spoil me rotten
3. hoodle bug, hello
4. one pound of kale is $1.49; i call this a steal
5. sixty cents off gas; thank you, my martins bonus card
6. i'd like an early bedtime
7. murrysville & monroeville, i'm visiting you soon
8. career goals:  personal trainer and nutritionist, and a jukebox off the clock
9. i love you, jesus

elemental gradeur

some days we're back at square one with ourselves.  at a door holding some invitation that says you're invited, like you've been invited to your own existence.  my favorite thoughts regard being, yours and mine alike.  it's the core of our existence and holds entirety.  who we are and all we are.  the concept is elemental grandeur.  that's the beautiful thing about being at square one, step one.  you create a prerogative for yourself, your own sovereign government that won't collapse on you.  assimilation is killing you.  instead of incorporating everyone's everything into your life, incorporate everything into your life:  god.   

take me back to square one, i'll be a younger version of me every single time; souls never age, people.  find your soul and you'll experience your childness you'd rather cross off in your profession.  square one, step one, don't be so threatened.  rather, be humbled in your place.  we're not being pushed back and pushed down from our stand up position that took adroit maneuvers and measures to cover such ground.  we're simply transitioning on an invitational basis into existence.  appreciate the groundwork and know you exist because as silly as this sounds, we we often forget our existence. 
even though we touch, see, smell, hear and taste, we are obliviated.  we have been charmed, like some harry potter spell has been put over us to forget.  you would think.  i'm being serious though.  agree or disagree; voice it.  the majority of the time, i beg to cross you and step on your toes.  (perhaps that's repugnant, but you'd, one, hear your voice and two, learn what you live by.)  we're charmed by everything around us:  idealism, materialism, even sexism.  i'd include words like "foodism" and "technologism" too, but webster tells me there is no such thing while i say there is. 
anything that will describe to us who we are while complimenting our ego's idea of self, and anything that tends to our shortcomings and superficial successes, has us charmed.  and.  whatever has us charmed has become our idol.  we're obliviated when we refuse our square ones.  practically living life in someone else's body, experiencing someone else's everything for the sake of oblivion plus a promising dream. 
for the amount of time it will take you to read this next setence, let's be our most vulnerable:  (insert your name here) now in oblivion, the state of being completely forgotten or unknown to yourself.  don't comply or everything will become boss of you. 

fact:  you all need a soulmate.  i have this friend who is absolutely brilliant.  his name is alec.  alec means "defending men".  thinking of him as more than a friend quite honestly grosses me out, so when you hear me use "soulmate," hold your princess-fairytale definition, please and thank you. 
inititally when alec and i first said hey let's be friends (not really), i befriended myself.   of course, every conversation implied i'm right and you're wrong.  both sides.  honestly i never thought we would budge, like, have a conversation, not a continual argument.  we learned our own voice though, the very things that would drive us and put a fire in us.  crossing lines, being offensive and insensitive to the flaws we seen in each other was much obliged, i swear our purpose in each others lives.       
certainly we were both extremes of each other at first, but i think we were so combative because we have never heard ourselves so loud and clear.  we liked it and didn't want to shut up and listen.  like, ever.  things have changed now, duh.  we discuss strange philosophies and remind each other of who we are if ever one of us is in a state of oblivion. 
i'm telling you, everyone needs an alec or an alyssa in their lives, that person that will happily offend you with the intention of challenging you to build you.  they see your potential and are persistent on you meeting it.  they don't fear the square one that seems to be the death of you, they commend it.  know your soulmate; gender does not matter, so unlearn its definition.  i could be your soulmate for all you know.     

"people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
a true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to live with a soul mate forever? nah. too painful. soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
a  soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”  elizabeth gilbert couldn't have said it more perfectly.  

be okay with square one, dearest reader.  you're invited to your own celebration there.  understand, you exist.   

five things i need to do:
1. buy veggies
2. run the hoodle bug
3. call mom
4. ab'oclock at 10o'clock
5. juice    

sleep well tonight. 

mimicry mastery

i caught us all redhanded.  our best efforts and dedication show in the art of mimicry.  let's not be pleased with ourselves, people.  we have mastered detriment:  mimicry, a technique we use against ourselves in trying to build ourselves into something that, believe it or not, is smaller than ourselves.  we aren't getting any bigger in our attempts to obtain somebody else's quality.  we already have our own belongings inside that are the equivalent of absolute greatness.  success is conspicuous.  perhaps we've packed away our successes in suitcases, though, for our souls to sit and stare at because we lack knowing the structure of our spirits.      

i find "knowing" to be absolute.  one of the most beautiful things we can do.  that, and the process of unlearning the petty things we picked up through a characteristical barter and trade system.  we don't know what we don't know, but we also know what we know; we don't own what we don't have; we own what is ours.  my point:  to thine own self be true. 

i'm half way through finishing my cup of hot tea.  it's cold inside starbucks today.  the olympics has inspired me, so after this entry i'm going to play "trainer" with myself.  the human body is amazing.  you train it to be fearless and its performance is what most would deem impossibility.  so hello, i decided i am going to be my own trainer for the rest of my life.  we can't allow our abilities to lay dormant in us.  do it and you'll be miserable with the perks of mimicry mastery, which is nothing beneficial to you.  achieve the experience of splurging into your own success, it will lead you to a new introduction in your life and a conversational piece that starts with "hello" to your creator.           

being smith

my dad has always drilled it in our heads, "smiths never quit".  that and, "smiths never fail".  so what happened the day i failed my drivers test?  i wanted to quit driving, but instead, he made me stop at long john silvers, like i wanted to eat, and made me drive us back home, because i was a smith, built ford tough.  i was never so mad at my dad.  he obviously had no sympathy like my mom would have, and he wanted a conversation between his french fry bites.  no thanks, dad.  that was sixteen years old when door slamming was popular.  it was my only option, slamming doors, locking doors, and ignoring the parentals, all because i was never allowed to quit anything.  point of story is this:  i quit my job.  no more maurices.  i cleaned out my closet, and i'd be more than happy to talk to my dad about the decision over not-long john silvers or any type of french fry.  he would be proud, i've become more sensible.  i call it simplification.  it's, like, my new sophistication.

we all come so far in our attempts to figure out who we are through our experiences with our very own temperaments, those unusual personal attitudes we have and our peculiarities that have us disinclined to submit to any kind of rule.  i'll be finishing this chapter later; i have a starbucks date.                         

morning soundtrack

today's complaints:
1. no counterspace to make my juices this morning 
2. could have had the entire day off, but i picked up job number two, remember?  eleven o'clock to two o'clock.  that's three hours too many.  so to my dearest father, you are right the majority of the time. 
3. i have too many clothes.  too much jewelry.  too many shoes.   
4. i prefer thunderstorms today.

to do list:
1. finish this cup of coffee 
2. maurices
3. need gas and veggies 
4. load up car/unload car (:  no more lime green curtains
5. picnic/bike ride = rain checked
6. song writing
7. yoga
8. sleep well, me. 
  
so this morning i needed an attitude adjustment.  having a list of complaints, being salty with a temporary roommate, you should agree.  morning conversations are not my thing to begin with, and neither is both sides of a kitchen sink full of not-my-dishes. my personality is lacking in the morning enough as it is, so joking about no counterspace to make my juice in a way that says "but really, i'm serious" is not possible.  that really meddled with my morning routine.  understand, morning is my favorite time of the day and demands my full attention.  it's a soundtrack of goodness just being apart of its earliness because its only requirement is my quietness, then will it kindly nudge me into new hour boxes and time frames.  obviously this morning was different.  rather than kindly being nudged, i swear i was shoved into my day by this gust of my own exhaustion.  if this morning had a face, i would have given it a look that said, "we're not friends today".   

besides messes and OCD, i was thinking about what seemed odd and mismatched.  today i was supposed to dress my best, wear the cutest thing i had in my closet, because someone important is coming to maurices to check our progresses and our team.  i decided me and my wardrobe are at odds.  we're mismatched.  i love to dress up, everyone and their mom knows this.  but today i looked at my clothes and became repulsed.  maybe my style has changed.  i wear my hair up all the time now.  rarely wear anything extravagant.  what is the point?  there isn't one, which leads me to this:  my dad was right.  all those times i showed up to the house dressed up and accessorized, he asked me what i was doing to myself.  we had our fair share of arguments, my trying to prove he didn't know his daughter, him trying to prove i didn't know myself.  the things we do to be beautiful, we end up losing beautiful.  love your dads, and know that mine is better than yours. 

to conclude.  can i please quit maurices? one, three hours is too many today; two, we are not new york city, so let's stop pretending we are; three, i'd rather be in sweats today, not silk.  good day to you, reader.  the weatherman says thunderstorms.