stages and suits.

as usual, i'm at starbucks.  i dressed up to come here, it's habitual.  instead of rain, we have sunny skies here in indiana.  beautiful outside.  i'm listening to music that sets the mood and brings me back to my place.  i've been enveloped by god.  life is good, so there is no need to complain about coffee headaches or sneaker blisters, i keep reminding myself.  just yesterday my dad brought my car out to do our vehicle exchange.  my car is like my perfect asylum.  i cry, think, praise jesus, yell and sing in that car, no eating allowed.  perhaps i should be fully ahead of what is behind me, but i'm not.  healing takes time, and without our consent, sometimes it brings us face to face with our greatest pains.  memories are sporadic, rarely do they assemble and accumulate themselves into a realistic nightmare.  but when they do, you know you are at stage one of healing, this outsider and silent audience to yourself, watching what you did, hearing what you said, and learning how you toiled in your own skin, hollering STOP STOP for the life of you.  literally. 
anyway, i was left with this conversation with god, four simple words that carried my heavy emotion and effort to be strong:  god, i need you.  regardless of who he was, in the best lighting he was something, so my next few words were:  god, i miss him.  then he reminded me he is my creator.  seems like a million miles away, but connects me in his way.  so i'm left with this and encircled by this idea of god.  there is no need to need or want anything other than god when i'm connected to god.  love is petty if he is not involved.  it's counterfeit without him.  point of story:  in my car i had this conversation with god.  it was a sad day.  i made it past stage one of healing, and now onto stage two:  living.  

it's fabulous.  i have the day off today, obviously.  and i made some heavy life changes recently.  one, i became a runner, sprinting stop signs and crossing traffic like i'm frogger. and two, i bought a juicer.  i'm begging my own abilities to formulate structure, beating my body in the process.  when you crave to be healthy, you start to crave the most plain, simple lifestyle.  my mouth no longer wants a ton of ingredients that create that complicated but delicious taste that i can't identify as anything but unhealthy. so for now, i'm drinking my nutrients and retraining my tastebuds.  perhaps i'm turning this blog into an infomercial, but my face is clear, my complexion is smoothing.  so allow me to make some suggestions.  throw away your proactive, throw out your neutrogena face wash, and buy yourself some natural ambi soap.  if you have to keep buying, duh it is not helping.  now suggestion number two, wash your face with ambi and baking soda after (mix with water, make it pasty); you won't be disappointed.  suggestion number three:  let's simplify our lives today?  our society is dependent on product, pleading for some type of result, whether it's weight loss or clearing acne, managing moods or reducing stress.  you know exactly what i am talking about; we're all guilty.  we're depending on things that create permanent problems when we think they're permanently going to bring resolve and resolution for us.  so do this, clean out your make up bags and medicine cabinets.  weed out your life, learn your stressers and weaknesses, resisting them instead of tending to them, and you'd be some kind of free.  kick your habits.  buy a juicer, ambi soap, and baking soda.  and continue to be my faithful reader.        

belief is bounty

we're defensive when we're wrong, and fierce when we think we're right.  it's this thing we call perspective.  it's interesting, our ideas of what is appropriate and inappropriate, what is beautiful and ugly, godly and ungodly, just and unjust, what is creative and if abstract is simply absurd.  and we're fierce about it, at each others throats for the sake of disagreeing.  make your beliefs attractive, rather than trying to deem them relevant and an anchor in everyone's lives, people.    
           

pure terminology

this is just my opinion, but i feel like everyone should be a blogger.  that, and a starbucks regular.  these past few days in indiana have been rain and thunder.  do i mind?  not at all.  when my body is tired and my soul feels slow, i find it glorious to be damp with raindrops imprinted on my clothes, my feet slipping out of my sandles from puddle stepping as i try to get from my car to the inside of a coffeeshop.  moments like this, being this exhausted, there is more of my soul for god to touch.  i couldn't care less of the cold, my own clumsiness that comes with barefeet, sandles, and puddles, and i certainly couldn't care less about being wet with discolored hair flattened to my scalp.  i'm this walking soul today.  and i found, appearances do not matter when your soul appears.  it's the norm though, to keep it buried under a body and pretty jewels, and the norm... it's the death of us. 

its pure terminology, the words life and death.  terminology.  they have to be.  it's something i've been contemplating.  people are here today, gone two days later, how can you cross it off your list of things to think about, especially when you see a body in a casket?  perhaps this is graphic, but hear me out and be comfortable being uncomfortable.  god is creator; god is alive.  you can't tell me when death do us part we are no more.  physically we are no more, okay we agree, but there has to be more unseen.  god is intangible.  we would become intangible, still alive, but alive being defined differently.  it's a wonder what happens behind the scenes.                          

touchableness ridiculousness

"lifestyle" is probably one of my favorite words.  it's our presentation, like the fashion of our souls.  lifestyle... our habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards, and economic level.  today, i'm drawn outside of myself, like there is something to represent here. so flip me inside out and upside down, i want you and your people's people to see my soul.  i'm being intentional; hello world.  see me in my prettiest form.  we're spiritual and our souls are not nearly exposed enough.  perhaps we're fearful of our own creativity when it's absolute and promising in our points of interest.  souls cultivate and thrive on creativity; do you not know the name of your creator?  we weren't made to eat out of the hand of the human race.  don't be so dependent on tangibility and its touchableness, a lack of faith hides your soul and postpones your reason to be apprehensive in your own declaration of you.  your lifestyle, your soul.  hello, philosophical me.  

as usual, i cannot thank jesus enough.  one, it is raining cats and dogs, and two, i'm wise.  i'm sitting at starbucks, my usual spot, and a professor from IUP overheard my conversation with my dad.  to think i'm one of those loud phone talkers, having a phone conversation in an echoing coffeehouse... i am annoyed and highly disappointed in my disregard for my fellow coffee drinkers.  i know exactly what they were thinking.  "girlfriend.  go outside and take the call."  "girl in indian looking shirt, get off your phone."  "loud mouth."  hence, i fail at being a starbucks regular today.  but this professor asked me about my wanting to move.  he lived in boston for 12 years and knows people he could connect me with.  perfect?  yes.  pretty sure i was almost scammed by this friendly couple and their luxurious suite.  thank you, dad, for those three conversations we had today.  give me two years and i'll be in boston, fingers crossed.  

accordingly, i have a new plan.  i cannot believe i am going to do this, but i've decided to move back to mahaffey in the land where rent does not exist.  parents are my favorite today.  love your parents, kids.  also, i'll be transferring to westmoreland in spring '13.  gosh, i love goal setting just like i do trend setting.  life couldn't be any better.  and for that reason, i'm going to say my goodbyes now to eat a chicken sandwich.  better than subway.  i encourage you all to build your life, not using someone else's blueprint, map, whatever.  it's time to be intentional about living, otherwise this society will eat you alive and you'll be dead in your skin, a mad soul, a frightened person.          
         

wake up, soul

i woke up around 11:30a today and found that it is great to be me.  sleepy eyes never seen so much beauty before.  everything silent had my attention.  little details caught my eye.  usually routines create oblivion, but today mine was waking.  as usual, my morning was quiet and structured.  i had a cucumber sandwich and a conversation with jesus, and i decided i would like to not share a place.  right now, i am sharing a place.  know that i would like different curtains that aren't lime green.  i would like closet space and a laundry room.  a pretty kitchen with counter space and a place for my paula deen pans to hang from the ceiling.  the living room i would want to have a comforting vibe.  for now, i'm dropping my keys on a tv tray and picking them up not soon after to be somewhere else.  God, provide a place.  please and thank you. 

you can be excited, i heard from the renters in massachusetts!  they sound like fabulous people, and it is affordable.  i've been spending hours these past two days at starbucks (how good they are to me, i love you all) job searching and sending out my resume.  i'm sending emails, waiting for emails, making phone calls, taking phone calls... i've never had so much energy or pursued something so fiercly.  almost 22, i am ready to build life and fulfill God purposes.  sure, it is possible to do this in indiana, but i'm ready to plunge into life elsewhere.

how great you are God.

last night i went grocery shopping at martin's.  two bags of groceries for 26 dollars.  who wins?  i win.  buy one get one free - flat bread.  buy one get one free - grape tomatoes.  cucumbers 66 cents each, what?  nature's promise chicken 2.50, pasta and sauce 5 dollars.  life is good; i got the bonus card.  thank you, jesus.  i wish you the best when you grocery shop, world.

           

massachusetts me

fact:  i'm writing in georgia font because i like the idea of me leaving state.  massachusetts?  believe it or not, i actually found a place in everett.  take me seriously, everybody.  description:  2 bedroom, luxurious, bright and spacious suite for rent!  i want this.  the thought of building life outside of pennsylvania sounds phenomenal.  besides working and starbucks' venti berry refreshers and tall unsweetened green teas, i've been entertaining the idea of new living arrangements, a new job description, an english bulldog and north shore community college.  i've never been so adult.  your parents would love me.  

today was one of those days i'd like to go "dear diary" on you.  one, when i drive i can barely hold a conversation with my passengers, or hear my music unless the volume is on 28.  that is loud.  of course i don't mind, but i like to hear myself harmonize with coldplay's lead singer chris martin.  the point is, however, my car drives loud on the inside?  strange.  two, plain and simple, i woke up in a bad mood.  why was i sleeping on my overnight shift?  don't worry about it; that's your opinion i was sleeping.  three, when i had my nails done after my breakup, i asked for a happy color.  bright pink.  bad decision, i should have stuck with my all time favorite manhattan sunset.  it's earthy and matches everything.  dang. 

i picked up my guitar today and made a vow to never keep it in my trunk, in my closet, at my parents or at your house.  i started songwriting again, which created the dream again to not only have a career, but to also be a performing artist.  instrumentalists, i need you.  nashville i need you?

i'm losing hair like crazy everytime i attempt to move it out of my face.  it is all over starbucks' floor (sorry liz!) and my pant legs.  gross.  honest time, it has not been washed for several days, and by "several" i mean too many days to tell.  it's such an inconvenience to wash in a small shower that has to be timed, 15 minutes tops.  thank God for girlfriend jackie tyger and her spare house key.  i'd definitely be a slob otherwise, let's be honest.  and there you have it, today's confessions.  now, back to adulthood.  

just like blogging, i've started running.  i try not to have spare time, i like to be busy and directional.  i fear being seated if my mind is unoccupied.  i've been saving the green, building life from what seems to be scratch.  it's pretty that way.  some of the best elements for successful building are unfamiliar, sometimes unsafe, and shapely, so much that experiences are more dynamic and colorful.  i could eat that sentence up for dinner it's so good. 

agree with me.  too many people live by hand-me-down values and beliefs.  poor souls.  life perception is skewed that way and independence is dependent.  and everything is about money.  talk about a stressful topic.  i work two jobs and am looking into transferring to a community college (north shore).  money doesn't grow on trees, okay mom and dad, but i'm sure life is more affordable than i am making it out to be.  soon enough i will be a home owner.  give me a handful of years, fine, but establishment is on its way, i promise you.

so you're concerned about how i am doing after my breakup.  maybe yes?  jon foreman couldn't have said it better:  heaven knows i'm trying to find a cure for the pain.  i am a strong woman, don't think i'm not.  and your pity is not something i'm needing.  i visited my mom today and she told me the church is holding a picnic today and i should come.  uh, no thank you, i'm still not ready for the "how are you," "what is new," "where is (insert name here)" conversation.  you will never know the weight of my shame; i am still recovering.  when i told my mom i would be too socially awkward and uncomfortable to go, she told me i am fine.  let me just say that is the worst thing to hear, someone telling you who you are and how you are.  welcome to my life.  it took all i had to keep my cool.  understand, i've been in so many yelling matches, been burnt by the heat of someone else's anger, that whether i or you like it or not, metaphorically my fists are clenched and i'm ready for a fight, a verbal war. 
i bit the inside of my lip like the entire drive to clymer then to indiana.  jackie was with me, and i swear she felt the heat.  i would have cried, but i refused because i live by this formular:  sad/angry emotions + people present = keep it to yourself, alyssa.  sadly, i learned the anger that was in the relationship had undoubtedly taken residence in my heart.  i could feel every single argument we've ever had swelling up in me.  i'm coming back to me though, scouts honor.  God makes beautiful things, my readers. 

okay, so this seems like such an abrupt end here, but i need to get to choich.   

it begins here.

i always wanted to be a blogger as if i had something to say, like my life needed to be read for your sake.  let's face it, we all have had experiences that held us captive and caved us into ourselves at one point, so i think it is necessary i talk to you.  fill up your coffee cup, even if it's blueberry pomegranate juice you're wanting (my favorite) and let's face each other.  we need freedom.  it can start in a blog.

let me begin here:  my name is alyssa smith and, my dear reader, i am going to call us friends.  you could say i'm at the beginning of my life.  the transition couldn't be anymore difficult.  give me about a month and my age is 22.  i just got out of an abusive relationship, and now understand the battle women have with themselves when they're in these relationships.  their comforter is their abuser.  mine was.  it's tragic.  you find your lover, you name them "soulmate".  because they seem too good to be true from the start, the speed and motion of your physical passion has you out of your element like you're in another woman's skin.  so you envy your own heart.  i give you three months tops and you'll despise yourself for your own momentum because the outcome will become this:  sweaty bodies pushing and shoving, panicked and raging, not bodies beading sweat naked and intimate under covers and ontop of covers.  a missing windshield wiper on a dodge caliber.  a torn up journal that was not his to read.  a clipboard stuck in a wall at a fitness center.  a screaming match from 9PM to 5:45AM.  and a monster inside of you.  the red flags were there, were they not?

i used to be beautiful.  my spirit that is.  july 8th, 2012, it died.  so recent, right?  i never felt so worthless and undeserving of love.  believing such a thing, i threw myself under a bus, returning to and running from this man i couldn't get away from because i wanted to stay.  i found comfort in the sick cycle of being loved and hated.  i learned something though.  what we believe in is our comfort no matter what it is, good or bad, because it affirms us.  we're vulnerable to this concept.  whatever will solidify our beliefs about ourselves will create itself a sacred god to save us.  in my case, this man was my god, and destruction was my construction.

i'm praying for peace and strength.  restoration is waht i need.  after 5 months of passion, fusion, fighting and beating the air, pushing and shoving, sex and wanting, i've lost the desire to love a man or trust i'll be loved.  separating from him, it was not a clean cut. i always thought after a break up, physical or not, you moved on with life, sad at first but okay in september.  no.  i thought he was my soulmate, companion, best friend, lover, husband, this gift from God, every need met.  our conversations and our kisses.  we were deep, this intertwined and interwoven couple.  so much of me was never missing, and though this man was separated from me and gone, so much of him was left.  more of him than me.  i envy the woman i was before i was ruined.  thank God for grace.

i'll end my first blog with this:  watch the world change color when all the sand hits the bottom of your square shaped hour glass.  be creative today.