SGS

i put two mint candies in my mouth at the same time.  eat them quick, pop another two in.  and i lift weights.  i'm not an emotional person; i'm aggressive.  obviously.  my point here is this, though:  i have stupid girl syndrome right now.  i like a boy.    

pretty statues.

for some reason this makes writing an anthropology paper easier:  pretending to blog about evolution.  oh gosh, i love who i am, especially when it's just me and there is no man to interefere with that.  i keep intact.  i swear i'm sex and the city's carrie bradshaw.  argue with me, agree with me, i don't care, but this whole relationship thing is for the birds. there's something about a man and a woman, and i can't put my finger on it.  tieing yourself up in someone's life, or letting them wrap themselves all up around yours, is petrifying to me.  it's stiffening.  turns all of us women into pretty, unmovable, nervous lip biting, pen cap chewing, stressed statues of ourselves.  perhaps it's because we're living in someone else's flawless ideas of ourselves, temporarily okay with it, for the sake of feeling adored and praised for being.  and while we're like the statue of liberty before it was green to this person, we have other ideas of ourselves in mind. 

some kind of freedom.  single am i, and single i want to stay.  for, like, ever. 

love yourself today. 

and education.  (that was directed to me.) 

for me, not you.

i feel like i have something important to say.  not for you, not for any other reader, just for me.  these thoughts are on the inside of my mouth but outside of my mind.  i'd like to know them, too, read them, see what they say.  perhaps i just don't want to type things out honestly though.  or maybe i'm reaching for an excuse to keep my words in secret pockets underneath my skin where you and everybody else won't find them.

i have a problem, and i want it solved.  i'm the problem.  it's not my dry skin, my bad nail biting habit; it's my memory.  sometimes i forget just how good it feels to be woman, that i tie myself to things, jump too quick into madness, don't learn from my mistakes and argue i'm always right.  i do this thing.  it's like i try to pin the tail on the donkey like a kid at a birthday party, pretending to know the places and names of things after being spun in circles, loving the game that giggles.  i don't want to not know anything anymore.  i'm not okay with that.  i want to go back to the basics; clean up the splash that turned into a spill that i had no idea was capable of submerging me many times over.      

anyway.  guilt is a word.  edit it out of your life.  we're responsible for who we've become, how we've behaved, what we've said.  accept and love yourself.  gain the control you've lost.  and for heaven's sake, be the boss of the child inside you that demands the needs of your ego are met.  um, i'm directing this all to me?

i want me back.  everything good about me i've thrown to the birds, i demand it back today.  gosh, i need to paint my toes.